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Hello ladies and laddies,

I haven't posted for some time, but then again, why should I talk when I have nothing to say? Nevertheless, my appologies for my absence.

I went to IMDB.com to write another review about a movie called The Ninth Gate. First I gave it a perfect 10, then I wanted to explain why. But actually I wasn't in the mood so decided to read a few reviews, hoping that I could add something valuable to those 3000 reviews. At one point, I decided to check out the negative reviews about the movie. Here's a review from - what I think - a 16 year old girl.

Quote:

So my parents and I went out to see a movie last night. I was not in the mood to see something deep and tear-jerking on my first day of Spring Break, so we decided we would see the Ninth Gate, figuring that my dad would like stuff that got blown up, and my mom and I could sit there and drool over Johnny Depp.<br><br>The first major hint of the evening was that these people were cutting in front of us in line. My dad made sort of a deal about it, and the people were surly and not very forgiving.

It wasn't until after the movie that we realized these people were trying to tell us something, like guardian angels
or whatnot. So the movie starts out, and yummy there's Johnny Depp, and he's looking for some books about Satan. And then he looks for the books some more. And then some people die because supposedly someone else wants these books. As the audience and I sat there for what seemed like at least one full term of pregnancy, only more painful, the movie started revealing that someone had dropped something on the script and that all the major plot points had been destroyed.

So finally, we find out there's something to do with the pictures in this book, and if somebody puts all the pictures together and says some Satanic incantation, then he or she gets invincibility or some such nonsense. So this guy steals all the pictures, and Johnny Depp finds him in a castle saying the incantation, and then the guy sets himself on fire, and he dies. Um, okay. After that, Depp steals all the pictures, then goes outside while the castle is on fire, and has sex with this demon/angel girl on the lawn. (This girl pops in and out of the movie, but nothing ever explains why.) Here's the kicker, and I have no qualms about telling you the ending because none of you will ever see this movie if you value your sanity, your health, or your $9.50. The people writing the script got to a challenging point, that point being that there was absolutely nowhere left to go since all the main characters except Depp and this girl had been killed off. Someone
obviously said, "How are we going to end this movie?"; And someone else said, "Let's just end it."; Thus, Depp is riding along in the car with this chick, and he says, "Why did the guy not become invincible?";
And the girl says, "Because one of his pictures is a forgery."; And he says, ";Where's the other one?"; The girl says, ";At this place in Spain."; Depp says, "Okay"; and goes there.

Depp is in this place in Spain. He doesn't look for the picture, because it falls of a bookshelf at his feet. He picks it up. Then goes back to the castle. The castle has a lot of light inside. He goes inside the castle.END OF MOVIE, CREDITS START "NO!"; screamed the audience. "NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! WE SAT THROUGH THIS ENTIRE MOVIE, HALF OF THE AUDIENCE NOW HAS BEARDS, AND THAT'S THE END?
"NOOOOOO!!!!" I seriously want to hurt someone. Maybe Roman Polanski who directed it. Who thought this movie was a good idea? My favorite part, I must say, is that this angel/demon girl has no explanation for being in the movie.
Somebody said, "Hey, dude! Let's have this chick, and she's sort of an angel or something, and she can be pretty, and like, dude, at the end! She can have sex with Johnny Depp while this castle is on fire! Heh, heh! Fire! Fire! Sex! Destruction! Heh, heh!"; This movie gets 7 out of 10 Picnics at Hanging Rock. The movie was fine up until it just ended out of nowhere, only because I was expecting some big finish. Also, yummmm, Johnny Depp.

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Haha!

Mil

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That review was more entertaining then the movie I give her 9 out of 10 popcorn kennels just for writing it .

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Haha, that was a pretty entertaining review she gets bonus for a creative rating system. I'll give her 8.5/10 Pieces of Lint in My Pocket.